But, alas, I feel miserable. I'm lonely.
I've been seeing a guy...who's wonderful. But I'm afraid I'm going to ruin things before they begin. As he is the only person I know in town, I constantly want to see him. And, I think I've built things up to be more than they are. We've been seeing a lot of each other, but I'm not sure if it's because we mutually want to, or if I've been pushing him too much. Is he seeing things as a developing relationship? Or just fun? I know I should just talk to him about it. But I'm terrified. If he's just seeing it as fun, then what am I left with? No one within a hundred miles.
But school will start next week. So I'll be meeting new people then. Yet, I'm terrified that I'm not going to be good enough for school. At church, I find myself in conversations then realizing I'm making an idiot of myself. I'm making ditzy mistakes constantly. And I'm terrified that I just don't have it in me.
I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I have nothing to do.
I never imagined my 21 year old self sitting down and contemplating the limitations of a short 80-100 year life span. I've been considering my dreams and ambitions, and I've realized, that I don't think there's enough time to ever accomplish them all. During my time off from school (and now work), I've been considering all of the things I'd like to do before I die. And I've realized the list is rather overwhelming when I know the deadline is a maximum of 80 years away.
I have to devote the next 3 years of my life nearly exclusively towards getting certified to become a school psychologist. Granted, I'll probably continue to fiddle with my guitar, travel on breaks, and read some books of leisure, but I won't be able to "live to the fullest." Yet, there are certain goals I want to put forth the effort to accomplish. Of course, I'll have my marathon for charity goal knocked out in October...I'd like to go to the Grand Canyon and camp for a night one summer. And perhaps I could get involved in volunteer work at the homeless shelter while I'm here.
After I graduate, I should have more time. I'm hoping to learn more about gardening after completing my schooling. I'd really enjoy having a greenhouse someday...or living somewhere tropical where no such thing would be necessary to reap the rewards of hard work on the land. I'd also like to get a dog trained as a helper so I could go to hospitals visiting patients with him. I need to look into the limitations for breeds for this task. I've always been a big fan of adopting shelter dogs, but I'm not sure if that's acceptable for helper dogs because I believe they need to start training at a very young age.
I've also realized that I'd really like to set up a nice salt water aquarium someday. And possibly raise some reptiles (one of the remnant dreams from my relationship with Ryan). I've always felt a certain peace and connection to nature, and housing and caring for certain creatures just seems like it'd be an overall awesome idea.
Then of course, there are the countless traveling destinations I long to seek out. Ireland, Australia, Canada, South Africa, Brazil (for El Carnival!)...basically, I'd like to go anywhere and everywhere. One of my biggest goals is a bike tour in France, Italy, or Ireland. I've heard all three of those are just gorgeous.
Should I find one of those husband people, I will only say my vows if in his he agrees to being a foster parent down the line. I think everyone who knows me already knew this was an important aspiration of mine.
I've recently decided that I want to be open to the idea of a mid-life career change. It was a difficult decision for me to choose school psychology over social work. And one of the important factors in my choice was being able to have family friendly hours when my theoretical kids will be young. I've realized that all it would take is a couple years of schooling to get my MSW, and I'd be able to do an easy transition when the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. Should I not have kids, then I'll decide to change careers after I've reached most of my ideal travel destinations during the summers off.
When I retire, I'd like to get horses if I'm in good enough health. I've always liked horses.
Oh...and I want a boat.
Of course, there are some other, smaller dreams that dance in my head each night, but even fulfilling these will take a good 30-40 years in and of itself. And of course, I've always wanted to be able to enjoy my senility. I want to be able to say crazy things and have people respond, "oh, that's just grandma."
So, why am I listing all of this out? We all have dreams, we all have goals...what is the significance of this? I guess I have to go back a few years to explain it. When I was about 16 or 17 years old, I had a very grim look at the world, and saw no purpose to life. I had decided that if this view didn't change my the age of 30, I would disconnect myself from family and friends, then relieve myself of the burden of existence. My desolate state had continued until I was about 19 or 20 with few breaks.
I've taken on a new life view in the past year or so. The past couple months however, I've felt as though I've truly given myself a second chance at life. And I've been excited about the possibilities each coming year, day, and even minute may bring. Although I'm still figuring out exactly who I am and where I belong, I somehow feel as though my existence has taken on some true purpose. I can't wait to find out exactly what it is.
Over the weekend, I went kayaking and camping (a.k.a. "Campaking") with three of my cousins, my Uncle John, and my dad. It was a pretty good trip. I talked with my cousins, experienced poison ivy for the first time, kayaked 27 miles, got sunburn on my feet and watched them swell up, and I met a new friend, Filipe.
Our adventure began later than planned because my dad was running late to pick me up from Bloomington. However, we still got to my cousins' house by 7 and the campground by 11, so all was well. The adventure didn't really begin until we began kayaking and canoeing on the Current River.
It was absolutely gorgeous. The water was clear enough to distinctly see each stone and creature 5 feet below the surface. The sun was shining the whole time, glimmering off the clear water top. The trees on the rolling hills provided a view of undisturbed life and nature. And years of gentle streaming had worn cliffs into what were once the Missouri hills.
In this scenic place away from the modern distractions, my family was able to catch up. These cousins and uncle whom we traveled with, have been largely disconnected from the family for years due to distance and moral differences. Getting to know them all over again was a little strange. All I really knew about them as we began the journey was that they were extremely religious. I was actually nervous that my looser moral code would become a problem amongst us. However, I merely restricted which escapades of my past were allowed into conversation.
Yet, it still didn't take my cousins long to realize my excessive list of ex-boyfriends and romances. I guess I had never really seen my list as being that long until it was pointed out to me. Honestly, I'm not certain how many boyfriends I've had. I guess it's been at least 7 definite relationships, 5 that most people would consider relationships, then another 5ish which some would consider relationships. I wouldn't consider this a long list if all of them hadn't existed between the ages of 16 and 20. I guess it's still not horrible. But it definitely makes me think. I consider how most people decide to "build their lives with someone." Perhaps I've already been building my life, but with multiple people. Perhaps, I'm not one who's destined to settle down. This being said, I'd also like to mention that it isn't the worst thing in the world. After the spite wears away from each relationship, I am left with so many fond memories and new views of the world. So I wanted to take this chance to thank the men that have enriched my life...
Dan...haha...I don't think anyone knows about you...but thanks for showing me how a nice, polite young man is supposed to treat a nice young lady he meets on a cruise and dates for 2 days...and thanks for sharing the chocolate mints that the maid left you.
Nick, thank you for teaching me the risks of dating a jackass. I have been much more cautious since you.
Kevin, thank you for all those times we sang stupid love songs to each other, long before either of us knew the meaning of true love or what we were looking for in relationships.
Carl/Dan, thank you for showing me that I don't have to hate all of my ex's just because we weren't compatible
Shane, thank you for shooing everyone away from my birthday party when I was exhausted, but sticking around so we could spend a couple minutes together.
Dean, thank you for teaching me how differently two people can look at the same relationship.
Ryan, thank you for teaching me what true, unconditional love is.
Jonathan, thank you for going to the zoo with me on my birthday, showing the courage to meet a dozen friends, and my parents, all of which you had to impress to stand a chance at a second date
Anthony, thank you for teaching me forgiveness.
Matias, thank you for bringing back memories of high school shenanigans.
Adam, thank you for teaching me not to make assumptions about others.
As of the rest...thanks for the memories :-).
It's been the longest time since I've been able to sit and reflect on my life. This being the case, I've been unable to share any real posts on here. Suddenly, I have been given more time than I could possibly want. And it scares me. Suddenly, I've gone for being driven insane by the constant barrage of family interaction to having an empty apartment in a town where I know absolutely no one, and can't even get an antennae for my television to give me contact with the outside world. I'm trying to see this in a positive view, and throughout my preparations to move I have, but with the rain and the empty apartment, today I'm having a "WOAH!" moment.
I think the main reason is that as of last night, the apartment is officially furnished. *Ta Da!* Also, after spending all of that money to furnish the apartment, my cheap Polish side is being drawn out. I'm saving every scrap of food, and drop of juice in the fridge, and refusing to buy some of the groceries I forgot in my mass shopping trip. I've even spread my meals out in the day in such a way as to avoid needing snacks (this won't last long). Now I'm sitting in the dark to save on energy costs. In this darkened room, finally being allotted the privacy I've longed for all my life, I'm questioning, what am I gaining through this?
Therefore, I've been trying to set some goals for my time here. I have a shelf full of books to read (some old text books even, to prepare for grad school), but I can't read constantly. I have my guitar, which I love...very much. I have a cross stitch and a crochet project...however, I find it hard to work on these without TV. Part of me finds the life without TV as a chance to simplify my life, and learn to focus more on such projects, but another part of me is bored by the lack of visual/audio stimuli that I've been conditioned to require.
Mostly though, I've been enjoying walking and running around my new neighborhood...an activity limited by the current weather.
There is one special project I've been meaning to start, which I've been putting off for a while. I want to write an informal will. I don't mean to have a lawyer involved. I just want my final wishes to be known. Should I have an untimely death, my parents would acquire my worldly possessions and be able to distribute them according to my wishes. But I think I'm more concerned about my funeral preparations, and what to do if I'm a vegetable (bring me ranch dressing!). I'm going to stall on this project for at least another day.
I'd also love to get to know some people in the area. But I don't know how to begin to meet new people. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I don't like the bar scene. I enjoy dancing, and I have no moral objections with drinking in moderation. Yet, the crowded bars full of people whom go beyond moderation just don't seem to satisfy my social needs. Besides, the only people I actually meet there are either interested in sex, or too drunk to really have a defined sexual identity anymore.
The people around here seem wonderfully courteous and kind whenever I encounter them in the stores or restaurants. I just struggle moving things beyond a friendly conversation to an established friendship. After classes start, it should be easier. Being surrounded by people my age in similar life situations whom I'll be exposed to day after day seems like a better way to make friends than living in one of only 2 finished apartment units in a building currently being renovated.
Anyway, I'm going to try to get my run in...peace out homeos!
*ba...ba ba ba....ba ba ba...ba ba baaaaa*
Risin up, back on the street
Did my time took my chances.
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a gal and her will to survive!
Sorry, I just had to set the mood. Right now my life seems to be in a constant state of preparing for the future. Between learning guitar, learning about the first ladies (slowly and leisurely mind you), preparing some summer adventures, and working what may be my last (or at least one of the last) weeks at Mosaic), I'm doing everything in preparation for the future. Not to mention the marathon training...that probably has the most relevance to the Eye of the Tiger theme song.
This whole time I've taken off of school just seems like a drawn out last week of high school. Full of excitement about the future. Impatient for the next stage of my life to begin. Not really wanting to do much to prepare for it that involves real work...but you know, wanting to move on and succeed marvelously. With the graduation cards coming in at such long intervals during my time off, it's as though my graduation ceremony has been going on continuously through the past 5 months (The ceremony itself felt the same way).
Ultimately, I think this semester off thing probably wasn't the ideal situation for my past few months. I loved substitute teaching, and got much better at public speaking through it (although I'm still far from skilled). But my mom and I have never been in worse shape. She's annoying the hell out of me, and I'm annoying the hell out of her. For instance, yesterday the washing machine broke. So I went to tell her, assuming she'd want to know so she could have someone come fix it. I told her, "It stopped working when it should have started the spin cycle." I explained to her clearly that the other parts of the cycle worked when I reset the timer, but the spin cycle was broken. She came in and did all of the overly obvious things to fix it (basically retried the spin cycle 10 million times in case somehow we had both forgotten to pull the timer thingie the first 9.99 million times).
Then she asked me, "when did it stop working for you?" I replied, "when it started the spin cycle." A few seconds pass, and then she says, "where on the timer was it when it stopped? Was it here? *points to the clearly labeled 'Rinse' cycle* or here? *Points to the clearly labeled 'Spin' cycle*" I repeated, "it was at the spin cycle." To which she replied, "yeah, but was it here? Or here?" I can't fully explain why I lost my patience so quickly, but I snapped on her. "I know how to read! It was on the SPIN cycle!" Although I was annoyed, there was no reason for me to yell like that. I think we've just spent WAY too much time together over the past few months. And me and my mom really seem to have mismatched personalities.
Oh well, Lord knows I'm not the first girl to have problems getting along with her mother. And He knows I won't be the last. I'm probably going to suffer for my lack of patience when I have my own snot nosed 20-something-year-old daughter.
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I can still remember sitting in Mrs. Robert's Jr. High class all those years ago. Every month, she would select a "Star Student" to be recognized for their hard work and effort in her classroom. There would be a ceremony in which a prize and a certificate were handed to the student as admiring and ambitious classmates would look on.
Now that I reconsider, it may not have been labeled the "Star Student." But something of a similar nature and meaning. Oh, and it wasn't one student, but two. Of course, there had to be one boy and one girl selected for this honor. And I believe it was a weekly award rather than a monthly one. So maybe this wasn't so much an honor, as it was an opportunity for each child in the classroom to be given a pat on the back in front of their peers once or twice a semester and to receive some piece of crap that would be thrown away later. Just another sign of America's motto changing from "Work hard!" to "Everybody's special! No one needs to work for an award!" Of course, this is another rant for another day.
One fateful day, as I was seated at the back of the class, I looked at the crappy prizes of the week. Sitting at the front of the room, was a lovely picture frame holding an image of a beautiful wooded land. A gentle dirt road meandered between the trees standing tall in their majestic glory. Below the image, the above words were printed. As my name was called, these words forever gained importance in my life.
Of course, at that time, I used the common interpretation of the poem. Surely Robert Frost was encouraging people to be unique individuals. Follow the beat of your own drum! Create your own paths through this crazy world!
It wasn't until college that I revisited the meaning of this poem. Professor McGee brought this poem in greater detail before my eyes. Within a few breaths, he transformed my interpretation of the famed poem. "Frost never says the difference is a good one." Through this, I gained an interpretation of human nature and naivety. Frost was no longer encouraging us to go be unique individuals, but instead pointing out the stubborn and prideful nature of human beings to assume that where and who they are is the ideal.
Who hasn't heard the comment, "I have no regrets because if I hadn't done X I wouldn't be where I am today?" But who's to say, maybe without X, you'd be somewhere better. Or maybe somewhere worse. No one can know what difference each choice in their life brings forth.
Why do I sit here interpreting a poem which I'm certain you have all heard before?
Well, as of late, I have found myself looking at all I am. Wondering at the choices I have made to come here...and the choices I've avoided. I am currently in a a constant state of confusion. I'm lost in the purgatory between college and graduate school. I'm constantly questioning if I am headed down the right path for graduate school. But more so, I'm questioning whether or not I have gained the skills I should have at this point of my life. I look around and see people better educated. More emotionally stable. With greater musical skills and larger vocabularies. More self-driven.
How did I end up at this place in my life? What about those millions of places things could have gone differently? What if I had joined gymnastics when I was 3 instead of 9. Or if I had taken piano lessons when I was 5 instead of 12? Would I have had the chance to be a child prodigy and currently competing professionally in some sport? Or would I be permanently injured from a double back flip with a twist that went horribly wrong?
What if they had referred me to a psychologist when I kept having crying fits when I was younger? Would I be stronger and better able to express myself? Or would it have led to me becoming emotionally dependent and self obsessed as some people who see psychologists become (I emphasize some).
What impact did it have on me that Kate bullied me throughout my grade school years? Is it responsible for me fighting back with certain people? Or is it responsible for the times when I'm shy and cower in large groups? How would things have been different if I had chosen different friends?
What if I had gone to veterinary school? Or if I had stayed with Ryan? Or if I had never dated Ryan? What if I had studied abroad as I had considered? Or if I had taken a year off after college...or high school? What if I had joined the National Guard....or the Peace Corps? What if I went to Medical School...or studied to be a teacher? Or moved to Australia?
How could my life be different had I been more daring (or less daring)? Right now, I just feel as if I don't belong where I am right now in my life. And I wonder whether I'm just reflecting, or if I need to find another path somehow...
Over this past weekend, I graduated from college. Please hold your applause until the end of the blog please...Thank you!
Upon completing the 3/4 mile hike through campus in my cap and gown amongst the other graduates, we were greeted to the football field by our old professors standing along the sides of the track cheering us on. I realized then, that I am probably never going to see any of these professors again. Dr. Moran, whose office I visited at least a few times a week would no longer even be aware of where my academic life had led me.
In many ways, this was kind of depressing. Even amongst the graduates, as we hugged and congratulated each other, I was fully aware I would never see most of them again.
But, this ceremony was just part of the "growing up process." Somehow I feel as though I've grown up more in the past 4 months than I had in the 21 years preceeding it.
I've realized I'm getting all too anxious to finish the growing up process. I'm desperately searching for an apartment...and a life partner. I feel as though my future family life is so close I can taste it. I can see my children, perfect in their own rights. My little boy who everyone thinks is gay for like the first 10 years of his life, but then he turns out to be straight...but then later admits to being bisexual. And through it all, my loving husband and I support and love him dearly. My lovely daughter, with strawberry blond hair. Completely different from me, wanting to go out and party all the time, only to be met by her overbearing mother. She ends up hating me for months, maybe even years, only to be met with my persistant love and guidance.
And of course, I see my perfect husband. A dreamer wishing to change the world. Together we'd get involved in the community, and make a name for ourselves in our small little town.
Although half the time, I can see this future as clearly as though I were living it, other times, I fear I'll never get where I need to go. Either way, I need to sleep now. I'm hoping to get a few more blogs out soon...I need a vent in life!
Last Wednesday night, I had the first date I've had in...months?...years?...I don't know. I don't often have "official" first dates. Usually I have awkward meetings with guys which eventually lead to mock relationships, more drama than they're worth, and me ending up alone again.
Wednesday night went fairly well. However, there were some things that got really awkward. Like at the end of the night, he started drilling me about my shyness, and asking why I was so quiet and everything. Ok, I was quiet during the movie, because it was a MOVIE. And the rest of the night, I was a bit quieter because we were in a nice restaurant and I was trying to politely get to know you. But somehow this conversation led to a deeper discussion about both of us having shy childhoods and stuff like that. In the end he seemed to be trying to take on a big brother role giving me advice and such rather than looking at me romantically.
But, we were supposed to see each other again Monday, so I figured I'd just see how things went then.
He canceled on Wednesday, but I wasn't sure if it was a genuine, "I can't make it that day" or a "I don't really want to see you again" thing. So I texted back (Because for some reason, he never called, preferring to text) that maybe we could hang out this weekend. I received no reply. I contemplated calling or doing something to clarify, but I really didn't care enough to risk looking that desperate, I just wanted to know what was going on. So, I waited for Sunday and simply texted "Happy Easter." I received "you too." This left me rather sure he didn't care to hear from me.
Today, he has a facebook relationship.
I really didn't want to pursue anything serious with him, but I'm starting to question my skills of seduction. And I'm questioning the existence of a man that would satisfy me. My cousin and I had been talking a week or two ago, and I remember him making the comment of "so you want to be the beauty and the brains in the relationship...which leaves him to be what?...the one with the penis?" In many ways I guess that sums it up. I'm just looking for a "one with the penis" that makes me look and feel smart and beautiful. I guess I'm probably looking for more than that...I don't know.
I just saw that Matias is in a relationship too. I just wish I could get into a relationship. I'm starting to feel as though something is wrong with me. Is it that I'm shy? Am I too demanding? My nervous habits? Am I too boring? Am I too emotional? Too socially awkward? Too choosy? Am I too fat? Too thin? Why is everyone I know in a relationship, but I can't even get to a second date (and usually not a first date either)?
I have just returned from a lovely visit to the north. As usual, I spent my holiday with my mom's side of the family and cousin Emily. Although my trip was great, I am left with two complaints. First, the trip was far too short. Second, I'm sick.
My trip started with my parents dumping me off at a Cracker Barrel with my cousin Emily. We proceeded to eat Arabic food which, for the first time ever disappointed me. Unfamiliar with much of the Arabic cuisine offered, I took a gamble on a sandwich with Lamb meat. Although I don't know Arabic food, I do know the difference between Lamb and chicken. It was also littered with fungus. I am yet to understand why anyone would deem a mushroom to be an edible organism rather than classifying it with the fungi of the feet.
Other than the food which left my stomach uneasy for the duration of the first day, good times were had by all. We watched Slumdog Millionaire. Although this movie was good, it was dreadfully depressing. I have a new dream to adopt a poor Indian "slumdog." I'm left to question how often some of the horrors depicted in the movie actually occur in real life.
The next day, we were blessed with some of the most wonderful spring weather I've seen all year. There remained a crisp cool bite in the wind. In the early days of spring, this is to be expected. We spent some time wandering through a park enjoying the burgeoning spring life before us. The most exciting specimen we found was a sandpiper desperately defending it's young.
Then I spent time with my mom's side of the family doing the usual stuff. Pizza party. Watching movies. Going for walks. Michigan truly can be paradise...when you're not looking for a job. My only complaint about the time I spend with this side of the family is that I really get annoyed by my little cousin. She's 8 years old, so some of her behaviors should be excused due to her age, but she really acts like a bitch! She will physically attack people, she continually makes fun of her sister who is unusually small for her age, and she acts as though she's entitled to everything! I don't like spending time with her, but she constantly tries to climb on my lap, and get under my skin.
However, I must take that statement back as well. There are two things that annoy me about my mom's side of the family. The little cousin, and the smoking. I am sick again from being surrounded by it. I just can't understand why anyone is willing to pay $5 a day to reek of tar and endanger their health and the health of those around them. Seriously, my family is able to go on a vacation every year staying at four to five star hotels for a week, and covering the costs of airfare and food for less money than it would cost for us each to smoke a pack a day. How can anyone see such a disgusting habit as worth that much?
I now have a sore throat, a stuffed up nose, and the beginnings of an ear infection. Thank you Aunt Linda, Aunt Betty, and Uncle Ric. I know it's pointless to even talk to them about it, but every time I go out there, I get sick. I've decided that I'm not going to stay at a smoking relative's house again. I'm a little afraid of how this will play out in real life.
Anyway, I need some sleep and soup, I have to go to ISU to get signed up for classes tomorrow, and to interview for a GA position. Wish me luck!
Hello everyone! Welcome to a good old fashioned bitch rant!
Before I can adequately begin my rant, some background information is necessary for my readers. My brother Doug is currently attending graduate school in the computer science department of the University of Kentucky. He is less than thrilled to be there, but this is his second year, which means he should be graduating in May. Let me emphasize the "should." Because of various problems with his master's project and communication with his advisor, he will be unable to complete the necessary work by tomorrow's deadline. Therefore, he has decided to enroll in the summer semester to complete his master's project and graduate in August. Many graduate students have difficulty finishing their thesis or dissertation in time.
Although this situation is not the ideal, it only leaves Doug a few months behind. Since he was yet to begin applying for work, he has no professional obligations.
My mother does not agree with this interpretation of the situation. This morning, she was stomping around the house like an angry 5 year old ranting about how this shows he has no sense of responsibility. She continued to rave that he had plenty of time to do his project, but chose not to, and that he'd choose not to this summer as well. Surely because he wasn't able to complete it, he would end up in school until he is 30. She went on to say how she can't believe she "raised a such a child." Doug is apparently "taking advantage" or our parents since they trust him to be working hard down in Kentucky, and "all he is doing is playing his video games."
When I tried to defend him, my mom replied "you better keep your big trap shut or I'll start lashing out at you! You've taken advantage of your father and me too!"
So apparently, my brother and I are disappointments whom my mother can't believe she raised.
Well, EXCUSE ME mother dear, if I don't want to be in a constant anxiety ridden state like yourself. Excuse me mother if working 20 hours a week during undergraduate school isn't enough. Excuse me mother if I am living my own life in the way I choose is best for myself. Excuse me mother if I don't want to be like you. Excuse me mother, for trying to live as an independent being.
I'm so upset with my mother, and apparently she's pissed at me. She didn't say a word to me over her lunch break. She just avoided all communication. I want to emotionally rip my mother apart. I want to bring up all of her failings as a mother. This is a horrible mentality. And I'm trying to keep it in check. It would just be so much easier if I didn't live in the same house as her.
Sigh...Leave some love.
Greetings one and all!
I have returned from my quest across the southern region of the United States of America! For those of you whom were not pre-informed, I went on a road trip to Virginia, Florida, and Kentucky. A total of over 2,500 miles of some of the most beautiful regions of the country unfolded before me. It was magnificent!
Although, in some ways, I wish I had someone in the passenger seat. The drive could get boring from time to time, but a few phone calls and coffee stops along the way sufficed to pull me through. In another way, I'm glad that I made the trip alone. It was like a marker of my independence. The furthest I had ever traveled before was to Michigan. I traveled more than four times the distance to and from Michigan this time!
Let me begin with the trip to Virginia. The drive was a total of 12 hours. I stopped a total of 3 times for gas and bathroom breaks. The drive went by surprisingly quickly despite the distance. And upon my arrival at my cousin Cryssie's apartment, I was greeted by her and two of her friends. It was a lovely visit. The next day, her and her friends (all med students), practiced some orthopedic adjustments on my back and neck. I can't say I feel a difference, but that means they couldn't have messed me up! It's always great to spend time with that cousin though. We lost touch for years when we were teenagers. Yet still, whenever we hang out, we seem to get along like old friends. Of course, there are vast gaps in our knowledge of each other's lives. But whenever we get the chance to chat, we fill that gap in a little. And, of course, we always have jumping beans and Giga pets in our common history.
Next stop was Gainesville, Florida. The drive down seemed a little longer, but I was able to find some classic country and blue grass radio stations, so I was having a regular old hootenanny in my car. Seeing Emily is always a lot of fun. I won't lie, I wish I had more time with her. Don't get me wrong, we did get to hang out quite a bit, but with school and her new beau, her time was limited. But we did get one awesome adventure. We went to Gennie Springs and tubed down the Santa Fe River. It was SO much fun! I wish I understood how to add pictures to a blog, because then I might be motivated enough to get my camera! But we pretty much had the river to ourselves. The current was excessively slow, but that allowed us to absorb the scenery. Between the flourishing greenery, the occasional hopping fish, the snake birds, and the cool refreshing water, it was paradise on earth.
At one of the springs, we got out to swim for a bit, and had an amusingly good time. There was a small crowd by the spring of young men. A gentleman who had just swam in the springs forewarned them of the two gators lying in wait at the bottom of the spring. Of course, Emily and I being the tough and rugged adventures we are, went into the waters undeterred. We swam and splashed around with no cares. The menfolk on the other hand, were left cowering by the side debating amongst themselves whether or not the gators were really there. Only one was "brave" enough to go into the waters.
My trip came to a close all to quickly. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the drive. Between some rough weather, and some heavy traffic, the drive to Kentucky seemed to drag on FOREVER. After 11 hours on the road, I gave up and stopped at a hotel in Tennessee. It was wonderful having a bed to myself rather than a couch. However, there was one crisis at the hotel. When I opened my suitcase, the largest most evil and disgusting beetle that ever existed was sitting on top of my pajamas! Ok, it may have been an average sized beetle with no real evil intentions. But I'm terrified of bugs. So, this resulted in me calling my mom near tears for advice. She advised me to use a hanger to sort through my clothes and find the bug. This led to me poking at my clothes, occasionally running across the room screaming when I saw the beetle...or a shadow. I called my cousin Emily for help. She talked me through some of the crazies. Then I called the front desk and had them remove the beetle from my suitcase.
The next day the drive to Doug's apartment was a breeze. We went out for dinner, and I tried to learn out to juggle. Before I knew it, it was Sunday morning and I was heading home.
Alas, I am back in my home in good old Dwight. Life is good :-).
As you all know, I'm currently lost in limbo waiting to hear back from graduate school to find out where life will be taking me next year. I have heard no news, so there's no need to go into the details of who is yet to contact me. So, I have been busily distracting myself with various activities, and trying to plan what things I may during my downtime.
I think I have decided to run this marathon for Autism Speaks. There is a risk because my credit card will be charged the difference between what I raise and the required $1500. Those of you who know me best know how I feel about risking money...or spending it for that matter. What could possess me to make the risk now?!?! Well, I have decided that after this marathon, I'll be retiring my marathon legs. This is of course under the condition that I beat a time of 4 hours. I should have been able to accomplish this goal in 2007 if it hadn't been for the horrendous heat that year. But this year I'll be prepared. I plan on changing my longest training run from 19 miles to 21 miles. Also, I researched different ideas for how to avoid black toes.
I'm still debating over creating a new account to blog about marathon training, or deleting my old entries on this one. I'm leaning towards using this one. Of course, I'll still blog about other aspects of my life, I just want to make the focus be around the training so that any donors will be able to see how I'm doing. I'm also hoping that I'll find a way for people to donate online, but I'm not sure how to go about doing this. However, if OctoMom can figure it out, I'm sure I can.
I fear I have failed to elaborate on my marathon retirement. I guess my decision began last week. On Ash Wednesday, the weather was lovely, so after a day of substitute teaching, I rushed to Kankakee to go to Tern of the Wheel. My dad has gone to this bike shop for well over a decade. The people are friendly, they can fix up anything, and their bikes are grand. Upon arriving I test drove two bikes. The first one drove so smoothly. It was adorable, I just wanted to put a basket on it and go picking daisies! However, the next bike....oh...the next bike...it made me feel like Lance Armstrong. I felt like I was flying down those back streets. Upon my return to the bike shop, the gentleman helping me pointed out there was a newer version of the same model, but it was more expensive, a less beautiful color, and it was missing a shock absorber. So I stuck with my 2008 Trek FX 7.2 hybrid wonder bike. I added a few bells and whistles to it including a speedometer, head and tale lights, and a small bag. I also purchased a matching helmet. By the time I returned home, my bike had been proudly named "Lucille," which I hope to have painted on it by the end of the summer.
Shortly after getting Lucille home, I talked with an old friend from Benedictine, who does bike tours. I've decided to do a two day one this summer (Le Tour De Shore), but I'd really like to do some longer ones. Ideally, after I'm all grown up and working at a decent paying job, I'd love to do a bike tour of Italy or Ireland. Of course, airfare alone makes these trips cost at least a couple grand. But there are many such tours in the US which would be perfectly feasible on a young adult's semi-professional salary. And I've realized that I can't do any more than a day or two of biking on a tour when training for a marathon because of the strict training schedules.
This led me to consider other possibilities which are limited by marathon training. I'd love to hike and camp in various national parks (For instance, I'd love to do a long hike in the Appalachians and a hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon then camp for a night). I've also considering purchasing a kayak if I end up living near a reasonable river someday. This year I've also overcome my old allergy to chlorine which allows me to pursue swimming again. If I am so blessed to get into ISU for graduate school, then I hope to visiit Upper Limits frequently and improve my novice rock climbing skills.
In short, I want adventure in my life! If I become a School Psychologist, I'll have summers off for the rest of my life. All of these summer sports and excitement could fit perfectly into my life someday. I may still be in limbo when it comes to graduate school, but I've really gained a newfound love of life and adventure.
I'm currently struggling to keep my work schedule busy, waiting to find out if I'm going to graduate school next year or not, and....learning guitar? But I'm honestly not sure how to raise that money. My brother had sent out mass letters to friends of the family asking for money when he signed up with Team in Training. He was fairly successful, but then was injured and couldn't run his event. However, I feel like such a mooch if I start mailing the same people he mailed for a different organization. I've also considered some former professors, I'm confident a few would donate SOMETHING. But 1500 dollars seems like more than "something."
I could really use some advice from people on this one, especially if anyone has experience fundraising.
One thing I have decided is that if I do go through with this, I'm going to delete all of my old livejournal entries, and make my blog something to be seen by the world. I will make posts about Autism Speaks, my training, my experience with autism, and the more public friendly areas of my life (ex. grad school developments, possibly some work experiences, etc) to help people feel connected with me.
I've got some serious thinking to do...leave your thoughts!
Last night, I had a most unusual dream. When I call it "unusual," I don't mean that it involved super powers, or physically impossible happenings. Rather its content was very emotionally loaded.
In the dream, I was back with Ryan. I don't know what events led to this scenario, but we were dating, and content. However, my family was not content. I remember having argument after argument with my mother in particular.
Frustrated with the situation, we ran off and got married...in a Polish grocery store. After the wedding, we went back to our "house." It was a small studio apartment which was over half filled with a full sized bed. Then we went out and announced our marriage to family and friends. I defended him against any of their frowns at the marriage.
Then, I went to bed with Ryan, and slept curled up in his arms. But suddenly, I was panic-stricken. I couldn't believe I had married him. It had happened so fast, and now I was trapped. I wanted a divorce, desperately. But I was too embarrassed after having defended the marriage so strongly. So I tried to convince myself to be happy. Morning came, and there he was, lying there. He was still asleep, he hadn't seen me yet. So I just left, and ran away before he could wake. I was convinced that since he was still sleeping, it wouldn't hurt him if I left.
Next thing I knew, I was in a desert. I was wearing some sort of a skirt, and the sand was driving me insane. I was sunburnt everywhere. I had no family, no friends, no husband, no water. I was dying.
Then, I woke up.
While in college, I rarely had the chance (or made the chance) to spend much time with old friends. Many of them stayed in touch with each other, which means they grew closer while I slowly faded from the picture. Others moved away and started lives of their own, which means, of course, I have no place amongst their closer friends. As for my friends from school, try as I might, they were practically inaccessible during my breaks at home while I was still in school. Now that I've graduated, I doubt I'll see many of them again.
So I've been trying to reconnect with old friends, with a little success. I've hung out with Jessy and Lacy a couple times and Shane last night. And I went to Lacy's New Year's party where I talked to Bridget and Jordan some. But I just feel like I'm awkward and timid around everyone. They all play video games, which I enjoy from time to time, but I royally suck at them and don't understand them in the least, so I'm always left asking for directions. I don't know...I guess it'll just take time to get back in the swing of things.
Tonight I was hoping to get things more like old times through a movie night. But now that we're out of high school, everyone has lives, which resulted in Lacy being the only one who could make it. We watched Office Space, and I enjoyed it, but it wasn't the same as the olden days.
This is leading to me being bothered by the single bug more than ever. I just wish I had someone I could call at the end of the night when I'm left in my room, praying that someone will log on to AIM or MSN so I'll be able to talk. However, I fear this desperation will ultimately result in me destroying the potential in any relationship I find. I want so badly to just skip all the romantic whatever that crap is at the beginning and just be in a solid relationship.
I had been a bit nervous about going to the wedding because I always feel inferior to her. She was getting married, and I was going to the wedding without a date. Yeah...not my ideal scenario. Beyond this, I was a little upset because she was marrying her high school love, who's name is Ryan, whereas my high school Ryan is currently pregnant with another girl's baby. I chose to go dispite these bitter embers of jealousy because Kate and I do have such a history together even if we aren't currently the closest of friends.
I got to the wedding late, which sucked. So I ended up sitting near the back of the church, alone in a pew, mixed amongst a bunch of my classmates from DTHS. This is the factor I had forgotten to consider in my debate of the wedding. I get so uncomfortable whenever I'm around people from my graduating class. I swear, I loose 10 IQ points for every DTHS class of 2005 graduate in the room. Therefore, I was lowered well below the mental retardation line and was rendered mute for the majority of the evening.
Amanda W. invited me to her place for the time between the ceremony and the reception, so I joined her. She saw this time as a chance to get as drunk as possible before taking a cab to the reception. I really don't like to get drunk anymore. I'll enjoy a drink or two, but I have no real desire to get drunk. So I nursed a drink during the hour and a half I was trapped at her apartment. One $20 cab ride later, we arrived at the reception where I sat by Aaron, Geneva, China, and, of course, Amanda and her boyfriend Paul. I did alright at the table for a while enjoying idle chat with Geneva about fruits and other subjects. So I survived dinner. After dinner when the music was louder, I couldn't manage conversation with her anymore as Aaron was seated between us and I was unable to understand anything she said. So the evening began to worsen.
Paul repeatedly asked me to dance. On the one hand, this is nice. I've been single for a while now, so I'll take whatever remnant of affection I can get, even if it is just dancing close with someone to get his girlfriend jealous. He was a lot of fun to dance with too, as he danced like an idiot and made me feel better about my lack of skills. However, it was awkward because he is Amanda's boyfriend. She would occasionally come over to dance with him, but more often, she would drag me on the dance floor to dance with both of them. She would proceed to dance uncomfortably close to me and pet my hair telling me I'm so pretty tonight. This greatly infringed on my need for personal space.
So the evening progressed with me alternating between being a wallflower and dancing awkwardly with Amanda, Paul, or both. Finally, the evening drew to a close, and it was time to leave. They insisted on taking a free shuttle to a hotel near Amanda's apartment, and we had to wait for quite some time. Finally, one came, but it turned out to be a cab someone else had paid for. Amanda insisted on us joining them anyway, so I awkardly sat in a van full of drunken DTHS graduates. My IQ dropped to 0 and I sat silently trying my best to touch no one. Finally, someone shouted out "that brenda is a real talker!" and then someone from behind commented, "meh meh meh, my dad's a doctor." Frozen by fear I was unable to make any comment until he appologized, and I simply said, "it's ok."
Why am I so socially awkward? Why can't I manage to have conversations with my classmates like everyone else? I feel as though there's no where I belong. I have friends, whom I love dearly, but I have no group or place which is right for me. My high school friends either went their separate ways or got closer to specific friends leaving me as an outsider when I am amongst them. My college friends all started to separate my Junior year. So I'm left as a loner who doesn't really belong anywhere.
I fear my body is slowly decaying while the remains of my spirit still reside within. Sinking slowly into an unfamiliar mattress, covered in a pastel plaid comforter, I am being lowered into my earthy grave. My limbs have turned to lead. They weigh me down as I make frail attempts to move from the warmth and comfort of my solitude. Slowly my life is drained, washed away in the stream of tears pulled only by the force of gravity towards their fated tomb upon the pillow. I do not wipe them. Each tear serves as a manifestation of suppressed rage and misery.
I hear voices just outside the door. They think I am asleep, and I have no desire to correct them. When my cousin wanders in from time to time, my body remains an unmoved lump beneath the covers, neither cowering, nor revealing. She has no reason to inquire my current state.
My tongue is parched. But I see no point in concerns of my physical being. Surely I am dying. How could I survive such suffering? Respiration slows near a halt. Lethargically I inhale once more to prolong my life another minute.
I never considered being reduced to such an existence. My sole purpose in living each moment is the self-inflicted torture of reliving painful memories. The only thoughts which capture my attention are those of him. Any other thoughts are dismissed or turned to him. Everywhere I look the torture is renewed. Even the light scent of mildew in the blanket only brings up memories of being wrapped up with him on a hard carpeted floor.
When my phone rings, my heart skips a beat with the same rage and passion it did when I was young. The frantic searches for my phone resulted in either pleasure or pain. How thrilled I was at a mere utterance on the other line! Or how bitter I became at the sound of any other. Today the momentary shock wears off as quickly as it begins, leaving me doleful and alone.
My trance-like state can never be altered into sleep. Restless and fitful spasms of unconsciousness fill the night. The morning sun mocks me as I lay spiteful in bed.
All my years at university I repressed and ignored each remnant of emotion. Suddenly all student obligations are removed, and my mind is freed from the shackles of the syllabi. The liberation is short lived, as a broken heart was quick to break my mind.
"Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same"- Wuthering Heights
These are the quotes of impassioned yet naive youth in literature which has withstood the test of time. But I can't help but wonder, if Romeo and Juliet had survived, would anyone care to hear about them? If Heathcliff and Catherine found happiness through their love, would Nelly have had a tale to amuse Mr. Lockwood? Most certainly not.
I find myself consumed in the embers of my former love. Restless nights spent searching through artifacts of a past life. I handle each treasure as lightly as a newborn babe, fearful that the smallest imperfection would destroy the memory attached.
In the night my dreams are haunted by the feel of his touch. Each sensation tormenting me as it leads my mind to wander. A cup of tea to calm my nerves only serves a reminiscent scent. In the daylight it is worse. Compelled by some force too strong to be restrained by a mortal ego, I find myself looking into the faces of strangers, searching for a source of comfort...just a glimmer of what was.
Yet nothing consoles me. Nothing provides the excitement or lust which was so abundant in my youth. I fear with age I have lost the unbridled passion that once dominated my life. A vast empty chamber now exists where the love once filled me so. There is no comfort in the tranquility of the vacant spot. Merely a constant pressure, a yearning to be filled.
I've sought solace to this torture in my personal pursuits only to find each achievement worthless. The space remains pressuring for something more than worldly success.
Nor can comfort be found in the arms of another. For no other man can spark such feelings of pure ecstasy. And each man is a betrayal to the passions once held. Alas, I am left a lone soul to wander this earth. Spoiled by the love in my youth. There is no satisfaction in my idle pursuits of another.
I am cursed to have my mind grow years beyond my heart. My heart still full of youthful naivety seeks the thrill of unconditional and passionate love. Yet my mind seeks out nothing but the comforts and securities which cannot be found through passion.
The only comfort to be had is that the torment of my current life provides the means to keep the passion of my past pure. Our youthful relationship was unstained by years of reality and struggle. There were no obligations which hindered our affections. Had we survived the transition of youth to adulthood, there would be no great romantic tale to arise my ardent heartache nor to inspire my quest to find such great passion and love again in my life.
Full of unrest, I went for a drive through memory lane today. I drove out to Braceville, with no intention of finding him, just to pass by the places that once meant so much to me. I treated it almost as though I were driving through a graveyard. I kept a solemn mood and a quiet radio.
I started reminiscing as I passed the GSW High School. It was in the back parking lot that I first saw Ryan. My freshman year in high school, the cross country team was going to the Indiana Dunes. The bus had picked up the Dwight kids first, and I was nearly asleep in my seat. Coach asked me what kind of shirt I wanted, and disoriented from my near-slumber I was rather confused and asked him to come back to me. I wanted to find out what was going on, so I watched as he went to the next person to ask them. It wasn't just "another person"...it was the person. There he was sitting there, as beautiful as an angel. Blond hair, grayish blue eyes, just about my height. Some sort of animal magnetism just drew me towards him. I can't explain how excited I was when Coach decided that Ryan, myself, and some other kid would run together.
Then eventually, there was the side parking lot. Here I waited with my mom minute after unbearable minute for him to arrive at the homecoming dance. He never showed, and I thought all hope of being with him was ruined forever. Our paths parted indefinitely, and life moved on.
Next my trip down memory lane led me to the stop sign I blew when giving Nick a ride to Cornfest with Kevin and Amanda. A blip in my life which I never thought would lead to so much. Upon arriving at the carnival, Nick and his girlfriend Meg broke up, and by the end of the night, I was wearing Kevin's sweatshirt, but dating Nick. This relationship broke the record for my shortest relationship ever...36 hours. I left him for Kevin the next day.
Of course, the stop sign was right by Nick's house. After crossing paths with Nick at another carnival a year later, I came out to see him here. What happened at that house is a tale for another day, but without it, I never would have found Ryan again.
The next day I found myself in downtown Braceville waiting for Nick with my friend Jill. We ended up seeing his friend, Jill's enemy Sanchez. While Nick hit on Jill, Sanchez was kind to me, and we exchanged numbers. It would be several months before we met again.
Then, running with the team in Gardner, I saw Sanchez driving by an intersection with Ryan in the passenger seat. There he was, that angel of yesteryear. Excited by the idea of seeing him once again, I quickly used the number given months before.
Then we met at the Casey's parking lot, where much to my surprise, he was meeting Ryan. We quickly escaped to Sanchez's apartment. As I went to the bathroom to fix my hair, I returned to see the boys looking quite suspicious. Sanchez sat on the couch looking at me eagerly, Ryan was holding back a smile on a chair. I half sat on Ryan's lap, only to find out later they were both interested in me and had decided to "let me choose" whom I wanted when I returned from the bathroom. From here, Ryan remembered he owed me a dance, and we made plans to attend homecoming.
Then, the trailer park. The next time I saw him, Sanchez conveniently had to meet a friend, while Ryan and I went for a drive. I don't think I could ever find those places again, but they shall forever be treasured in my memory. We returned to a small parking lot by his trailer, and he asked me out. We started kissing, and rarely stopped for air for the next several months. Hehe...there were a lot of memories in that trailer park. Like when we were kissing good night one day, and he asked for a bj, and I told him no. He simply responded, "fair enough" and continued more PG forms of affection.
There was of course Caseys where time after time, I met him...or searched for him. I remember once, he had forgotten our date, and his mom ran out after me while I cried and told me that he wasn't worth the tears. Then another time, I found out he was going to be working 6 days a week, and desperately tried to stop my tears from the idea of not seeing him every day.
I would have seen the baseball field if not for the snow. Here we used to hang out on top of the dugout by the glow of the passing cars. Hehe...I remember once he was playing with fireworks with Nick and they were shooting them at each other while I sat on the dug out barely able to watch.
My tour concluded with a quick pass by Jimmy's house. So many hours were spent here, usually trying to think of somewhere else we could hang out. It was there I lost my innocence on a dirty old couch while his mom and Jimmy were gone antiquing. And where I cried uncontrollably after. I still remember how Ryan held me close and started crying too. But then, this is also where we parted ways. Again on that couch, he asked me if I still loved him just a year and a half ago. I was unable to answer, and he assumed it meant no. He was so angry at first. Then as I walked out the door, he grabbed me from behind, sobbing saying how he can't live without me. I don't know where I found the strength to walk away...but I knew I could never return. It would hurt us both too badly, and my heart was already broke beyond repair.
So why would I choose to spend one of my precious days off driving through these bitter sweet memories? Passing by each one, I was torn again by the pain and the love I survived. But, alas, they are nothing but tombstones on my former life. With Ryan's love child on the way from another woman, the bridge that was burned has now been covered in toxic waste and labeled a hazard zone. It's over. And my heart is breaking yet again.
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